Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Kevin Myers Porn Collection

I doubt many Irish Times readers thought they would be reading about mutual masturbation over their cornflakes this morning.(subs. req.) In an attempt to explain why there can be no such thing as gay marriage Myers divulges his understanding of lesbian sex.

For if same-sex couples can have marriages, can they have annulments on the grounds of non-consummation? Can they also have grounds for divorce, such as adultery? But what are consummation and adultery for lesbians, when they cannot have intercourse, and their sexual activity is, in essence, mutual masturbation? Are we to take sodomy as legal consummation for male homosexuals? And should homosexuals of either sex expect or sue for alimony if one divorces the other? Anomalies, anomalies: the inevitable consequence of pretending that wheat-fields are mountain ranges.

This got me to wondering about the contents of Kevin Myers porn collection if one exists. Or how exactly he knows what sexual activity between two women might be composed of? Sure don’t we eat chocolate, toast and discuss the finer point of needlework?  I am sure in the coming days Kevin will get many a lesson in lesbian sexual activity – all of them unasked for but that’s what one gets for making assumptions that one’s mountain ranges are any better than the wheat field over the valley.



11 Comments:

At 16:16, Blogger Simon said...

Sure don’t we eat chocolate, toast and discuss the finer point of needlework?
What are you saying ye don't. Admit it you also have tupperware parties :)

What I don't get is people who agree with civil partnership and not marriage.

Like seriously whats the difference.

 
At 21:33, Anonymous morgan said...

Myers has too much time on his hands...

The Saint: one's holy, apparently.

 
At 00:38, Anonymous Sean R said...

Oh dear.

As Kev seems interested in the well-being of lesbians and gay men, it might be worth consulting recent scientific data on why civil partnership is good for your health:

http://jech.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/60/3/188

Sorry there are no pictures to illustrate what lesbians do, but enjoy the chocolate ;>

Now I'm off to bed for non-comsummatory sex with my non-husband in my non-marital bed like any non-celebrity does. Or maybe I'll just fantasise about who Cheney should take on his next quail hunt. Grr.

 
At 00:43, Blogger EWI said...

Admit it, he's right - you tribadist, you.

Seriously, you're right. If Myers isn't aware of what it is that lesbians, umm, do under the bedsheets with each other, then he should just keep his mouth shut. Or else rent Chasing Amy, Kevin Smith's finest film.

 
At 18:00, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maman,
Quelle horreur! Mr Myers should speak of such things- I'd love to respond but my mouth's to full of lesbian!

 
At 22:08, Blogger EWI said...

I'd love to respond but my mouth's too full of lesbian!

Well, so long as you don't make a complete fist of it...

 
At 22:23, Blogger Suzy said...

anon - mind you don't choke!

And EWI - I look forward to further displays of your lesbian sexuality awareness, you cunning linguist you!

 
At 22:46, Blogger EWI said...

And EWI - I look forward to further displays of your lesbian sexuality awareness, you cunning linguist you!

Well (as I always say to Herself) I do aim to please, and lesbians seem to have the go-to expertise on the subject...

And on that subject, just why are there no Irish sex blogs? I'm "aware" that some couples in the US have publicly broken up on (account of?) such blogs, but many more haven't and continue to titillate mightily.

 
At 17:26, Blogger Fergal Crehan said...

I'm a little surprised that no-one has yet examined the Freudian implications of the "Wheat Field/Mountain Ranges" metaphor. Actually, Kevin, we only get one "mountain" each, not whole "ranges" of them. Unless you've had some sort of transplant.

 
At 21:26, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Each individual's journey through life is unique. Some will make
this journey alone, others in loving relationships - maybe in marriage or
other forms of commitment. We need to ponder our own choices and try to
understand the choices of young gay boys.
Love has many shapes and colors and is not finite. It can not be measured
or defined in terms of sexual orientation."

"Because marriage is a basic human right and an individual
personal choice, RESOLVED, the State should not interfere with same-gender
couples who choose to marry and share fully an equally in the rights,
responsibilities, and commitment of civil marriage."

"If marriage means everything, it means absolutely nothing.
It will mean nothing to same-sex as well as opposite-sex couples.
The current decline of the institution of marriage will be accelerated.
Increasing numbers of couples will elect to simply enjoy more gay anal rim jobs.
Dr. James C. Dobson, of Focus on the Family

 
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